To be perfectly honest, I have not been feeling like being thankful in the last week or two. I have felt very anxious and worried about the future. I have never been so scared in my life, and I don't know why I should have been scared. God cares about me so much. He loves me, right? He sent his Son to die for imperfect, sinful me. But I still have never been so scared....
A little over a week ago as I was getting ready for bed, I found a couple of lumps in my breasts. I decided it was nothing and went to sleep. The next couple of days I felt them again and was sure they were lumps. I started to panic. I have had anxiety and panic attacks since I was a little girl. Satan knows where to get at me where it will hurt the most. I shut down for the rest of the weekend. I was terrified. I could not wait until Monday to get it checked out by a physician. I called my doctor, but she could not see me that day. So, I called a close friend of mine who is a nurse practitioner. She checked me out and told me they were simply benign cysts. But she said I should still see my doctor and get an ultrasound. Many women get them at my age and they are just part of hormone changes.
I believed her for a while, but then doubt crept in. I just couldn't get the fear out of my head that I, at age 23, could have cancer. What if my friend had been wrong? I was crippled by this fear for several days until I went in to see my doctor. I felt so guilty for being worried, thinking, "God, you have not given me a spirit of fear. You have given me YOUR spirit, which is strong, courageous, and persevering." I knew I shouldn't worry, but I did anyways.
This past Friday, the morning I was to see my doctor, I was so nervous. I was fighting the battle, trying to trust in God and His good plan for my life, whatever it may be. By His grace, I read these words in my devotional that morning
From Jesus Calling, November 15:
"You pit yourself against the difficulty as if you had to conquer it immediately. Your mind gears up for battle, and your body becomes tense and anxious...There is a better way. When a problem starts to overshadow your thoughts, bring this matter to me. Talk with me about it and look at it in the light of my presence. You will be surprised at the results. Sometimes you may even laugh at yourself for being so serious about something so insignificant."
The Lord had hit me right where I needed it. I had been worrying about something that hadn't even come to pass yet. I had been re-planning my life around have cancer. I had already let myself believe I could have cancer because I didn't want to get my hopes up too high. What a waste! With The Lord, my hopes should be as high as they can get! God had even given me reassurance of my health through my nurse practitioner friend, and I didn't believe her. What a doubting disciple I am!
So I went to my doctor and she said the same thing- they are just benign cysts. I still have to get an
ultrasound and mammogram done, so please pray that those results will come back clear. So for thanksgiving this year, I will not only be thanking and praising God for my good health, but I will also be thanking him for his forgiveness and grace for my sinful fear and worry this past week. He
has humbled me, and I still have a long way to go as I learn to rely on him and not try to control my life. I do not want my hope or trust to be in any earthly thing, but only on him. I pray that no matter what the circumstances in my life, that I will look to him, in the good and the bad. Why should I fear cancer when I know where I am going after death? Why should I fear anything on this earth when his love for me surpasses everything I fear? I still have yet to figure that all out, but I'm so glad I'm one step closer in trusting him. Without him, I was nothing, I am nothing, and I will become nothing.
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcend all understanding, will guard your hears and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:6-7
