Dear Reader:
In the past few weeks I have learned a valuable principle of
God’s truth. This truth is preached in churches across the world several times
each Sunday, and a thousand times a year. This truth is the principle of God’s
sovereignty and control. It’s a truth Christians will hear an almost annoying
amount of times from the pulpit throughout their lifetime. I have heard more
sermons on the subject of worry and God’s control than any other subject. For
someone like me, who struggles with chronic worry and anxiety, I hang onto
every word of those sermons. I keep hoping that the next one will really change
me around and get rid of my die-hard habit. Much to my dismay, this usually
isn’t the case. Most often, I feel lifted up and victorious for a time—maybe a
week or two at best—but the worry always comes back.
The time when I feel God’s hand working the most is when I
make mistakes. It usually means going through some pain and being humbled, but
I think God knows that this is how I learn best. These past few weeks have been
very humbling as I am in the limbo stage of my transitioning life. Change
especially brings on a good bout of worry in my mind. With a wedding and a new
marriage, a move to a different state, and starting new jobs--worry and
anxiety can be rampant in my mind and spiritual life.
Every person is different; we all have different reasons why
we worry. I worry because I foolishly believe that it gives me some kind of
control of my life. Why wouldn’t I want to have control over my life? Why wouldn’t
I want to live in a bubble of safety, comfortableness, and familiarity? This is
the American dream! The American dream is to be financially
secure, have a safe house with my own backyard, live in a safe neighborhood in a safe city, and have a safe career. The
American dream means striving for social, financial, and vocational security.
Everything about American culture tells us to think about ourselves and be in control. We can
keep ourselves safe from aging by getting Bot-ox and buying millions of body
products. We can keep ourselves safe from rejection and social ridicule by
putting on airs. We can keep ourselves safe in our jobs by rising to the top
without any care for others. We can keep ourselves safe from pain in
relationships by never opening up, never committing to marriage, and keeping
ourselves at a distance from our loved ones. We can keep ourselves safe from
God’s will by never engaging in relationship with him (this is the most painful
and dangerous one). Sometimes we don’t always want to know where God is going
to take us…
We are selfish, and we don’t want to give ourselves
completely up to Him. I am guilty of this, but God is breaking me. I know that
God has my best interest in mind, but do I truly believe it? This is the
question I am facing now in this time of limbo and major transition. It’s a
tough question, and God isn’t going to let me go until I believe the truth that I
know in my heart. He wants all of the control, not just some of the control in
my life. Like I am being vulnerable and invisible with you, dear reader, God wants
the same thing. He wants complete abandon and vulnerability. I challenge you to
ask yourself the same question I am. It’s worth the risk, and I’m always up for
an adventure. And with God, I know it will be the adventure of a lifetime.
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