Josh and I have been struggling these last few weeks as he tries hard to make progress with his project. I never knew how helpless I would feel as a wife when he is struggling with engineering. Engineering is so foreign to me--as foreign as the Chinese language. I can't offer him any practical help with his work. Sometimes I want to go over to his office and rip the wires out of his computers, and say "I fixed it. I turned it off so you don't have to stress and worry about it anymore." Obviously, that is not the answer. As one of my friends from church told me this week, "Our men don't want their wives to solve their problems. They want their respect and support." I know this full well. Josh wouldn't want me to solve his problems. I would be terrible at it. However, I can continue to support him and encourage him. To me, this doesn't seem like enough, but I know that it is.
I have also had to hold back and fight back bitter and angry thoughts that his project is taking so much time away from me and being at home. It doesn't seem fair that I am at home most of the day twiddling my thumbs while he is wracking his brain for 10 hours a day. My sister-in-law wisely told me that I may want him home more, but I probably don't need him home more. I thought about that, and realized that I do want him home. I do want him stress-free. Marriage is not about getting what we want, however. It is about sacrifice. It is about completely denying oneself in order to love the other more fully. I have a chalkboard in our kitchen that I used in our wedding. Now I write Bible verses that I need to see everyday to be reminded of God's truth. This week's verse is Matthew 16:24.
Then Jesus told his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."
Through this hard time with Josh's job, I have been battling my sinful and selfish nature in order to be more loving and respectful to Josh. I feel like I am grinding my teeth because I want things my way, but God continually picks me up and tells me to keep loving. To fight the good fight. To keep loving Josh.
I thought the following comic one of my friends posted on Facebook was very appropriate for my circumstances right now.
People told me marriage would be hard. It isn't until we are actually married that we realize that everyone isn't pulling a cruel trick on us. They tell us marriage is hard, and we think they are just joking or trying to scare us. But it's not a trick. It's a fact of life. It is hard living with someone when we are so sinful. It's not always a can of peaches. Nevertheless, it is also very wonderful. It is wonderful living and going through the journey of life with your best friend. Josh is the most wonderful man I will ever know. I know he isn't perfect, and he knows I'm not perfect. We know times are hard right now, and we are trying to make the most of the time we do have together. We keep praying and hoping his project will be done soon. God has it all in control. He knows what he is doing. He knows and had a purpose for all of this.
Even though I may be kicking and screaming in my head that it isn't fair or it's too hard, I know it isn't too hard with God on my side. I don't have to give in to my fear. I don't have to tear myself apart with shame and guilt. I can know that I am loved, I am growing, and I am making progress. As Joyce Meyer often says, "I am not where I want to be, but at least I am not where I was." Amen to that! God is a God of hope! He loves us too much to leave us where we are. I know I don't want to stay where I am at. Oh the journey of life!
Soli Deo Gloria
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