Chicken Stir Fry

So...I had a breakdown tonight. And yes....it was over burnt stir fry. But it was a long time coming.

After I started crying and telling Josh to turn it off and throw it away, I realized that it wasn't just because dinner was burnt and we would have nothing to eat. The fact is...we have plenty to eat. We could have a sandwich if it really came down to it. Even a sandwich is more food than many people get in ONE day.

I broke down because I felt like I had failed at my job as a housewife. Ever since we got married last year, I feel like I have had a little monster (we can call him Satan) sitting on my shoulder telling me that I CAN'T DO THIS WHOLE HOUSEWIFE THING. And to be perfectly honest...it is hard. I am supposed to be able to work with all day, come home, and have enough energy to make dinner, clean the apartment, do laundry, do the dishes, run errands, and be peppy when my husband gets home. Boy, is it hard sometimes. I am only work part-time, but teaching Kindergarten, 1st, and 2nd grade zaps the energy out of you (in a very good way). There is no other way I would like to expend my energy. 

I keep looking at other women who look like they are doing it all, and I think, "They have it all together! Why don't I? I can't even get a FROZEN DINNER OUT OF A BAG RIGHT!!!" Some women really are good at running a home--like my mom for instance. She is soooo good at cleaning, cooking, and keeping things organized. I just tell my mom, "I may look like you, but I am Dad through and through." The unorganized, messy, creative, passionate, and adventurous daughter who is just like her father. Sometimes this fact drives her NUTS. She was hoping she would only have one of those in the family. (Love you, Dad!)

What I have been struggling with is being myself. I am not Betty Crocker, Martha Stewart, or Rachel Ray. But I try to be. And I fail...WHO DOESN'T??? I think most of my energies are meant for another purpose. I still want to try to keep the apartment clean and make sure a hot meal is on the table, but it may not be my ABSOLUTE TOP PRIORITY. My priorities are loving and supporting my husband, teaching my music students to the best of my ability, loving my family and friends, helping my neighbor (which happens to be anyone I meet), learning more about God and my faith, and being completely passionate about these things. I am such a deep thinker and lover of life that I don't want to miss out on anything! By no means am I saying that women who are better at cleaning and organizing don't have these priorities; I just work differently. I am finding I can't do both with as much energy as I was hoping. My guess is that most women feel like they don't have it all together, and feel VERY similar to me.

I may not be the best meal planner, but I am learning. I may not clean as much as I should, but I am working on it. I may not have everything organized, but I am getting there. And thanks to a very loving and understanding husband and a God who created me as I am for a reason, I am learning to accept myself as I am.

So here it goes at letting go...

Lord, you made me for a reason. I know I make you feel sad when I wish I was like someone else, and I know you just want me to be the Sierra you created. I do too. Thank you for creating me this way. I love it! Amen.