Most of my friends would say that I am happy-go-lucky, easy-going, and fun to be with. What they don't know is that while I am around them, I am comparing myself to them. I am trying to look good in front of them and feel better about myself. I feel ashamed of this. I have become so self-conscious about my body, that I can't help but look at others around me and hope that I measure up. This is hard to admit. It pains me to say that I am suffering with self-esteem at my age. I thought that was something only teenagers struggles with. Boy, was I wrong...
I do not have the perfect body that our culture tries to make us feel like we should have. I never have. I will always have imperfections, and I am okay with that. That is where God finds me and loves me because of those imperfections. I want to stop tearing myself down because I know that it hurts the One who formed me an knitted me in my mother's womb. I want to stop beating myself up because it pains my husband to see the woman he loves, cherishes, and finds absolutely gorgeous calling herself ugly and fat. I want to stop comparing myself to others because it is taking away from the amazing relationships I could have with those wonderful people. I want to stop thinking so much about what other people think about me because it is taking away from my witness. The more I focus on myself, the less I can focus on helping, caring for, and loving other people.
I love art. This may have something to do with my strong appreciation for beauty in this world. I love music, paintings, photography, fine cuisine, pottery, fine crafts, theatre, interior design...everything that emulates beauty, I love. The reason I mention this is because I came across this piece of art the other day by Sandro Botticelli:
This was painted ca. 1482 during the Renaissance era. Take a close look at the artist's perception of beauty in the 15th century. And I know what you are thinking....but no, these women are not pregnant. This was the ideal female body during that era. Why is it not now? Trends change, the media changes, people change...but one person's idea of beauty is not another's. Please don't force your idea of beauty upon someone else by judging their body. While man looks at the outward appearance, God looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). Which would you prefer? I, for one, would rather have my Savior say, "Well done, good and faithful servant" (Matthew 25:23) than, "Wow, you had a great body!"
The women in this painting are beautiful, and I am one of them. I am curvy, voluptuous, and well endowed...and I'm healthy. I cannot change how I look or how I put on weight. But I can take care of my body. I can eat healthy and exercise, but I don't do it to look good. I do it to have energy for the day and to sleep well at night. I do it because I want to instill healthy habits in my children someday, but I will not do it in order to meet someone else's expectations.
The woman who hurt me is probably hurting herself from another circumstance that I do not know about. She is still a beautiful child of God. Thank goodness we have a Father who loves us better than anyone else can. I know I cannot love this woman in the best way that she needs. But I can forgive her...more for my sake than hers because I will probably never see her again. I don't want to hold on to anger and bitterness. It does more damage to myself than anyone else.
I don't know what you can take away from this post...maybe forgiveness, maybe hope, maybe encouragement if you have been through the same thing, maybe something else...but I hope it points you to the love of Jesus, which is never ending and all-encompassing.
**Sigh** That feels better.
Let the healing begin....
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