The Ideal Body

I have not written in quite awhile. But something happened to me this past week that has filled me with so many different emotions, that I must write about to calm my nerves. A woman I had never met before made a comment about my body that left me in tears. I was hurt, bitter, and angry towards this woman. I do not feel like forgiving her. This is one of those times where I am crying out to God to help me forgive her. Forgiving her will have to be a choice.

Most of my friends would say that I am happy-go-lucky, easy-going, and fun to be with. What they don't know is that while I am around them, I am comparing myself to them. I am trying to look good in front of them and feel better about myself. I feel ashamed of this. I have become so self-conscious about my body, that I can't help but look at others around me and hope that I measure up. This is hard to admit. It pains me to say that I am suffering with self-esteem at my age. I thought that was something only teenagers struggles with. Boy, was I wrong...

I do not have the perfect body that our culture tries to make us feel like we should have. I never have. I will always have imperfections, and I am okay with that. That is where God finds me and loves me because of those imperfections. I want to stop tearing myself down because I know that it hurts the One who formed me an knitted me in my mother's womb. I want to stop beating myself up because it pains my husband to see the woman he loves, cherishes, and finds absolutely gorgeous calling herself ugly and fat. I want to stop comparing myself to others because it is taking away from the amazing relationships I could have with those wonderful people. I want to stop thinking so much about what other people think about me because it is taking away from my witness. The more I focus on myself, the less I can focus on helping, caring for, and loving other people.

I love art. This may have something to do with my strong appreciation for beauty in this world. I love music, paintings, photography, fine cuisine, pottery, fine crafts, theatre, interior design...everything that emulates beauty, I love. The reason I mention this is because I came across this piece of art the other day by Sandro Botticelli:

This was painted ca. 1482 during the Renaissance era. Take a close look at the artist's perception of beauty in the 15th century. And I know what you are thinking....but no, these women are not pregnant. This was the ideal female body during that era. Why is it not now? Trends change, the media changes, people change...but one person's idea of beauty is not another's. Please don't force your idea of beauty upon someone else by judging their body. While man looks at the outward appearance, God looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7). Which would you prefer? I, for one, would rather have my Savior say, "Well done, good and faithful servant" (Matthew 25:23) than, "Wow, you had a great body!"

The women in this painting are beautiful, and I am one of them. I am curvy, voluptuous, and well endowed...and I'm healthy. I cannot change how I look or how I put on weight. But I can take care of my body. I can eat healthy and exercise, but I don't do it to look good. I do it to have energy for the day and to sleep well at night. I do it because I want to instill healthy habits in my children someday, but I will not do it in order to meet someone else's expectations. 

The woman who hurt me is probably hurting herself from another circumstance that I do not know about. She is still a beautiful child of God. Thank goodness we have a Father who loves us better than anyone else can. I know I cannot love this woman in the best way that she needs. But I can forgive her...more for my sake than hers because I will probably never see her again. I don't want to hold on to anger and bitterness. It does more damage to myself than anyone else. 

I don't know what you can take away from this post...maybe forgiveness, maybe hope, maybe encouragement if you have been through the same thing, maybe something else...but I hope it points you to the love of Jesus, which is never ending and all-encompassing. 

**Sigh** That feels better.

Let the healing begin....

Stressember

Cookies, parties, music, concerts, gifts, stockings, candy, lights, trees, decorations, ornaments, letters, cards, candles, Santa, snowmen, snowflakes, gingerbread men, tinsel, bows, wrapping paper.

This is what I see the most of during the Christmas season. The stores are overflowing with all of the things that Christmas really doesn't mean. There is little to do with Christ, his birth, angels, the nativity, or even religion altogether. I get overwhelmed by the colors and flashy advertisements in the stores this time of year. I am also surprised at how rude and unforgiving people can get during the "happiest time of the year."

I was listening to the Christian radio station the other day, and they said a study claims that December is the most stressful month of the year. I believe them...

I have taken on entirely too much this Christmas. With school, church activities, Secret Santas, concerts, parties, and traveling...I have stressed myself out and have lost joy for this holiday season. Instead of being focused on what Christ has done for me, I have gotten lost in the hub-bub of what is expected during Christmas. My good friend, Connie, reminded me that we can not place expectations upon ourselves about what Christmas means. In our culture today, Christmas means making sure you get that Christmas picture card from Shutterfly to all of your closest friends and family. It means baking cookies for everyone on the block. It means getting the best gift for all of your family. It means showing up to all of the parties and events with a smile even if you have a cold. It means doing a whole lot more during this month than any other month of the year.

In actuality...shouldn't we stop, think, and ponder more during this season? Shouldn't our focus be more on God and the gift He sent us through the birth of His son? Instead, people like me, who like to be involved in everything get caught up in the expectations and get carried away with the festivities. I love the Christmas season, but I am learning that in order for me to fully enjoy its meaning and celebration, I need to do less, and not more. I need to live this month out with the true meaning of Christmas, not with what the rest of the world thinks it means.

I am learning more and more about myself this Christmas season. I do not like a lot of details. I need time to relax and breathe every week. I do not like rudeness and thoughtlessness. I like to look at the bigger picture of the life God gave us. I need time to dream, think about life, ponder bigger ideas, and learn from the things I have experienced. It helps me to function better in my day-to-day life.

I watched a video recently on the commencement speech given by David Foster titled "This is Water." It is about the mundane adult life college students will experience after high school and how they can choose how to live in it. He does not speak with a Christian perspective, but what he says has some truth to it.

I never imagined how hard adult life would be. We all leave college thinking we will change the world in an instant, we will have fulfilling jobs, have the house of our dreams in a couple of years, and be free to be happy! But the mundane does happen...the day in, day out responsibilities such as grocery shopping, getting oil changes, running to the bank, appointments, errands, and many more. The unfortunate circumstances that make our day harder or longer do happen...traffic that causes you to lose the precious 30-minute nap you were going to get in before choir rehearsal, the long line at the post office when you have had a long, tiring day at work, getting to the cash register at the grocery store with a full cart of groceries only to find out you left your wallet at home. These things can become stress triggers when the reaction is to lose patience. I have done this. I have come home to Josh feeling completely defeated after just a few things in my perfectly planned-out day fall apart.

I like to have control over my life...the Lord has shown this to me. He has shown me this by letting my plans fall apart. I get frustrated. I get worried. I get angry. I get concerned. I take my eyes off of Him. I find myself feeling lonely and worthless. It is because I have not put my worth and existence completely in him. When I think about how the Lord wants us to live our lives, I always try to remember this verse:

"Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ."
Colossians 3:23-24

I especially have to remember and meditate on this verse when I am on carpool duty at school in single digits with a negative degree wind chill.

This life is not always going to be easy. It won't always be a bowl full of cherries. I might not always feel like I am making a difference in God's kingdom. I may not like where I am at, but I can always have a good attitude. When I am weak, I can focus my thoughts and energy on who Christ is and what he has done for me.

This is what I want Christmas to be. I want it to be a humbling time of awe and praise as we celebrate the coming of Christ and what he has already done for us. Glory be to God that He has given us a Savior! Joy to the World! Hallelujah! Celebrate this season with awe and rejoicing! If you need to step away from the busy going-ons of the season, do so, for your own sake. Focus your eyes on Christ, and He will be there to remind you of who you are in Him.

Thanksgiving and Praise

To be perfectly honest, I have not been feeling like being thankful in the last week or two. I have felt very anxious and worried about the future. I have never been so scared in my life, and I don't know why I should have been scared. God cares about me so much. He loves me, right? He sent his Son to die for imperfect, sinful me. But I still have never been so scared....

A little over a week ago as I was getting ready for bed, I found a couple of lumps in my breasts. I decided it was nothing and went to sleep. The next couple of days I felt them again and was sure they were lumps. I started to panic. I have had anxiety and panic attacks since I was a little girl. Satan knows where to get at me where it will hurt the most. I shut down for the rest of the weekend. I was terrified. I could not wait until Monday to get it checked out by a physician. I called my doctor, but she could not see me that day. So, I called a close friend of mine who is a nurse practitioner. She checked me out and told me they were simply benign cysts. But she said I should still see my doctor and get an ultrasound. Many women get them at my age and they are just part of hormone changes.

I believed her for a while, but then doubt crept in. I just couldn't get the fear out of my head that I, at age 23, could have cancer. What if my friend had been wrong? I was crippled by this fear for several days until I went in to see my doctor. I felt so guilty for being worried, thinking, "God, you have not given me a spirit of fear. You have given me YOUR spirit, which is strong, courageous, and persevering." I knew I shouldn't worry, but I did anyways.

This past Friday, the morning I was to see my doctor, I was so nervous. I was fighting the battle, trying to trust in God and His good plan for my life, whatever it may be. By His grace, I read these words in my devotional that morning

From Jesus Calling, November 15:

"You pit yourself against the difficulty as if you had to conquer it immediately. Your mind gears up for battle, and your body becomes tense and anxious...There is a better way. When a problem starts to overshadow your thoughts, bring this matter to me. Talk with me about it and look at it in the light of my presence.  You will be surprised at the results. Sometimes you may even laugh at yourself for being so serious about something so insignificant."

The Lord had hit me right where I needed it. I had been worrying about something that hadn't even come to pass yet. I had been re-planning my life around have cancer. I had already let myself believe I could have cancer because I didn't want to get my hopes up too high. What a waste! With The Lord, my hopes should be as high as they can get! God had even given me reassurance of my health through my nurse practitioner friend, and I didn't believe her. What a doubting disciple I am!

So I went to my doctor and she said the same thing- they are just benign cysts. I still have to get an
ultrasound and mammogram done, so please pray that those results will come back clear. So for  thanksgiving this year, I will not only be thanking and praising God for my good health, but I will also be thanking him for his forgiveness and grace for my sinful fear and worry this past week. He
has humbled me, and I still have a long way to go as I learn to rely on him and not try to control my life. I do not want my hope or trust to be in any earthly thing, but only on him. I pray that no matter what the circumstances in my life, that I will look to him, in the good and the bad. Why should I fear cancer when I know where I am going after death? Why should I fear anything on this earth when his love for me surpasses everything I fear? I still have yet to figure that all out, but I'm so glad I'm one step closer in trusting him. Without him, I was nothing, I am nothing, and I will become nothing.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcend all understanding, will guard your hears and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6-7

Chicken Stir Fry

So...I had a breakdown tonight. And yes....it was over burnt stir fry. But it was a long time coming.

After I started crying and telling Josh to turn it off and throw it away, I realized that it wasn't just because dinner was burnt and we would have nothing to eat. The fact is...we have plenty to eat. We could have a sandwich if it really came down to it. Even a sandwich is more food than many people get in ONE day.

I broke down because I felt like I had failed at my job as a housewife. Ever since we got married last year, I feel like I have had a little monster (we can call him Satan) sitting on my shoulder telling me that I CAN'T DO THIS WHOLE HOUSEWIFE THING. And to be perfectly honest...it is hard. I am supposed to be able to work with all day, come home, and have enough energy to make dinner, clean the apartment, do laundry, do the dishes, run errands, and be peppy when my husband gets home. Boy, is it hard sometimes. I am only work part-time, but teaching Kindergarten, 1st, and 2nd grade zaps the energy out of you (in a very good way). There is no other way I would like to expend my energy. 

I keep looking at other women who look like they are doing it all, and I think, "They have it all together! Why don't I? I can't even get a FROZEN DINNER OUT OF A BAG RIGHT!!!" Some women really are good at running a home--like my mom for instance. She is soooo good at cleaning, cooking, and keeping things organized. I just tell my mom, "I may look like you, but I am Dad through and through." The unorganized, messy, creative, passionate, and adventurous daughter who is just like her father. Sometimes this fact drives her NUTS. She was hoping she would only have one of those in the family. (Love you, Dad!)

What I have been struggling with is being myself. I am not Betty Crocker, Martha Stewart, or Rachel Ray. But I try to be. And I fail...WHO DOESN'T??? I think most of my energies are meant for another purpose. I still want to try to keep the apartment clean and make sure a hot meal is on the table, but it may not be my ABSOLUTE TOP PRIORITY. My priorities are loving and supporting my husband, teaching my music students to the best of my ability, loving my family and friends, helping my neighbor (which happens to be anyone I meet), learning more about God and my faith, and being completely passionate about these things. I am such a deep thinker and lover of life that I don't want to miss out on anything! By no means am I saying that women who are better at cleaning and organizing don't have these priorities; I just work differently. I am finding I can't do both with as much energy as I was hoping. My guess is that most women feel like they don't have it all together, and feel VERY similar to me.

I may not be the best meal planner, but I am learning. I may not clean as much as I should, but I am working on it. I may not have everything organized, but I am getting there. And thanks to a very loving and understanding husband and a God who created me as I am for a reason, I am learning to accept myself as I am.

So here it goes at letting go...

Lord, you made me for a reason. I know I make you feel sad when I wish I was like someone else, and I know you just want me to be the Sierra you created. I do too. Thank you for creating me this way. I love it! Amen.

PRAY FOR COLORADO

Smoke filling the air....ashes coming down among suburban Colorado Springs....6,500 people evacuated....up to 100 homes gone. It has been less than a year since the Waldo Canyon fire, and this fire is like rubbing salt into a large open wound.

View from Downtown Colorado Springs

About 2:00 pm on Tuesday, June 11, 2013, a fire started in the thick of Black Forest--a thick forested residential area. Since then, people have lost their homes, are in fear of losing their homes, and many are wondering if the fire is heading towards their home. At this point, the fire is NOT CONTAINED.

My heart goes out to many of our church friends who have been evacuated, and a few who have lost their homes in the Black Forest Fire. One of my friends has most likely lost her home, and it also happens to be her birthday today. Not a very happy birthday if you ask me. It is so hard to sit in my nice cozy apartment when so many of my friends' homes are in danger.

But God is in control. He knows exactly what is going on, and he will take care of his people. He will watch over us and give us hope when all hope seems taken away. 

Pray for the people of Black Forest. Pray for the people of Colorado Springs to open their hearts to the hurting. Pray for the firefighters and armed forces as they fight this fire with many resources. Pray for the other fires now threatening other areas of Colorado, such as the Royal Gorge Fire and the Big Meadows Fire near Estes Park. Pray, pray, pray for the winds to subside and the heat index to lower. Pray for a miracle of rain because the forecast shows nothing for the week. 

We ask you, Lord, to be with the families affected by this fire. We ask you to give comfort and hope when no one else can. We pray for the strength and the energy of the firefighters as they battle this fire through today. We pray that you will intervene and protect the homes of the people in Black Forest. We know you are a good and awesome God. Even in the midst of turmoil and grief, we praise you and offer ourselves up to you. To God be the glory forever and ever. Amen. 

Road Trip to Wedded Bliss

Last week, Josh and I, along with our good friend Stephen, embarked on a road trip to California for our college friends' wedding. On our way there we drove through 5 states: Colorado, Utah, Arizona, Nevada, and of course, California. The wedding was beautiful and was located in a town called Modesto (1 hr. 30 min. from San Fran). We loved being able to spend time with our friends and help them with their big day. On our journey back we drove through California, Nevada, Utah, Wyoming, and back into Colorado for a total of 40 hours there and back. It was quite the journey, and I am SO GLAD WE DECIDED TO MAKE THE TRIP. Here is a photo journal of our trip. Enjoy!

 I had have a thing for dinosaurs ever since I was a kid, so when we found this one on our lunch stop in Fruita, Colorado, I was pretty stoked to take pictures.

This is Steve the Unicorn. He was our mascot for the trip, and he had the best seat out of all of us. 

You will see his cameo in many of the pictures.

The first palm trees I spotted on the trip were in Nevada near Las Vegas. I told Josh and Stephen, 

"We're getting closer to California and nice weather (because Colorado has been quite the disappointing state for weather lately)."

We drove through Las Vegas on our first day of travels...Here is the only picture I could find that people might recognize as being in Las Vegas. 

Whenever in California....In-N-Out is a MUST.

For Lindsay's bachelorette party, we decorated wedding-themed cookies at a bakery and made cookie bouquets. It was so much fun!

The day before the wedding, we had some free-time, so we went to San Fransisco. It was a BEAUTIFUL day out, and we got to drive across the Golden Gate Bridge for the first time.

My friend and college roommate, Corinne, and her friend, Becky, came with us to San Fran, 

and we a had a great time with them!

We also drove down Lombard Street, the curviest road in the US, for the first time. 

I've always wanted to do that.

We also made a stop to the Jelly Belly Factory, which has been one of my favorite candies 

since I was a little girl. We got a free tour, and free samples to boot!

The morning of the wedding, we helped decorate the reception hall, and it was so gorgeous when we finished. Lindsay did a great job, and I love her colors!

This was Nathan and Lindsay's get-away vehicle to the reception. We were cool enough to get a picture with it also :-)

The beautiful and heart-warming ceremony in Modesto

The happy couple is........SO HAPPY!

Enjoying great food, fun, and entertainment at the reception.

The 3 Engi-Nerds did their Senior Talent Show presentation for all of the wedding guests.

On our way home, we stopped at the memorial for the Donner Party.

Stephen demonstrating cannibalism with Steve.

Josh and Stephen demonstrating cannibalism.

Our demonstration looks like a kiss gone VERY WRONG!

I'm famous!!!!

I've always wanted to stop at one of these, so we stopped in Reno to get pictures by a wedding chapel.

Everywhere in Nevada, there are things written alongside the road in the dirt with rocks. So Stephen made us stop and leave our mark. S J S '13 (Stephen, Josh, and Sierra 2013).

In Elko, NV, where we stayed our last night of travel, dwells the largest polar bear in the world at about 10 feet tall. He was pretty cool to see, even if he was displayed in a casino.

Those last 10 hours might have did us in, and we just went crazy!!!!

Finally home in beautiful Colorado....Ahhhhhhh....

Vi Bella...A Beautiful Life

This May I am embarking on an adventure that I never thought I would ever take. 

I have become a jewelry consultant that sells jewelry at parties. But I didn't just want to sell jewelry; I wanted to sell jewelry with a purpose. This is why I have joined the consultants for Vi Bella Jewelry. 

Vi Bella Jewelry is a business started by a woman in Sioux Center, Iowa, where I went to college. This woman traveled to Haiti soon after the earthquakes in Haiti in 2010. She saw how the women there were earning a living by selling their bodies, and she wanted to provide a better way of life for them. Thus Vi Bella was born, which employs women in Haiti, and now in Mexico, to make jewelry out of recycled goods. They combine recycled beads with purchased beads to create a one-of-a-kind jewelry line. 

My senior year of college, I had the chance to visit their warehouse in Sioux Center. The jewelry was beautiful, but what struck me the most was seeing the actual faces of the women that now have a stable income in Haiti. They're are very lovely women, and you can see it in their smiles. They love their jobs at Vi Bella and have the opportunity to join Bible studies while at work. The mission and goals of Vi Bella were just to awesome to pass up. 

I encourage you to take a look at their video posted here and to pray for these women. Vi Bella also takes donations at any time, and they also are available for fund-raising events. Contact me if you are interested.

Video: The Story of Vi Bella

Please take a look at their website, and if you want to order anything, please CONTACT ME. The leaders at Vi Bella encourage customers to buy from consultants because we don't earn any commission for online sales. With the money I earn from Vi Bella, I will help Josh and I save for a house, and I also hope to eventually pay for my own trip to Haiti to visit these women. The most important and best thing about being a part of Vi Bella is being able to help these women. I don't know them personally, but God does. They are his daughters, just like I am. I LOVE being a part of a company of Women Helping Women! Soli Deo Gloria!

Website: http://www.vibellajewelry.com/