Kicking and Screaming

In the past few weeks, I have been struggling with my thoughts and fears. I let them spin around in my head until there is no hope in my mind. I lose hope for those few moments, and I end up feeling so far away from God. I have succumbed to my fears. I have succumbed to the lies Satan throws at me.

Josh and I have been struggling these last few weeks as he tries hard to make progress with his project. I never knew how helpless I would feel as a wife when he is struggling with engineering. Engineering is so foreign to me--as foreign as the Chinese language. I can't offer him any practical help with his work. Sometimes I want to go over to his office and rip the wires out of his computers, and say "I fixed it. I turned it off so you don't have to stress and worry about it anymore." Obviously, that is not the answer. As one of my friends from church told me this week, "Our men don't want their wives to solve their problems. They want their respect and support." I know this full well. Josh wouldn't want me to solve his problems. I would be terrible at it. However, I can continue to support him and encourage him. To me, this doesn't seem like enough, but I know that it is.

I have also had to hold back and fight back bitter and angry thoughts that his project is taking so much time away from me and being at home. It doesn't seem fair that I am at home most of the day twiddling my thumbs while he is wracking his brain for 10 hours a day. My sister-in-law wisely told me that I may want him home more, but I probably don't need him home more. I thought about that, and realized that I do want him home. I do want him stress-free. Marriage is not about getting what we want, however. It is about sacrifice. It is about completely denying oneself in order to love the other more fully. I have a chalkboard in our kitchen that I used in our wedding. Now I write Bible verses that I need to see everyday to be reminded of God's truth. This week's verse is Matthew 16:24.

Then Jesus told his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me."

Through this hard time with Josh's job, I have been battling my sinful and selfish nature in order to be more loving and respectful to Josh. I feel like I am grinding my teeth because I want things my way, but God continually picks me up and tells me to keep loving. To fight the good fight. To keep loving Josh. 


I thought the following comic one of my friends posted on Facebook was very appropriate for my circumstances right now.

People told me marriage would be hard. It isn't until we are actually married that we realize that everyone isn't pulling a cruel trick on us. They tell us marriage is hard, and we think they are just joking or trying to scare us. But it's not a trick. It's a fact of life. It is hard living with someone when we are so sinful. It's not always a can of peaches. Nevertheless, it is also very wonderful. It is wonderful living and going through the journey of life with your best friend. Josh is the most wonderful man I will ever know. I know he isn't perfect, and he knows I'm not perfect. We know times are hard right now, and we are trying to make the most of the time we do have together. We keep praying and hoping his project will be done soon. God has it all in control. He knows what he is doing. He knows and had a purpose for all of this.

Even though I may be kicking and screaming in my head that it isn't fair or it's too hard, I know it isn't too hard with God on my side. I don't have to give in to my fear. I don't have to tear myself apart with shame and guilt. I can know that I am loved, I am growing, and I am making progress. As Joyce Meyer often says, "I am not where I want to be, but at least I am not where I was." Amen to that! God is a God of hope! He loves us too much to leave us where we are. I know I don't want to stay where I am at. Oh the journey of life!

Soli Deo Gloria

Summer in the Winter?

Since coming back to Colorado Springs after Christmas break, I have been trying to keep myself busy while Josh it at work. I have officially finished my degree and received my teaching license. Yay! It is so good to be done! However, now I have a lot of free time that I have been attempting to fill it up and be productive. After being in college for the last four and a half years, I am out of practice with having a lot of time to myself.

I've realized that when we are really busy, we want more free time, and when we too much free time, we wish we had something to keep us busy. I am trying to find a balance right now with the activities I have been starting. Here are a few of the things I am keeping busy with:

• Volunteering at an elementary school
• Babysitting two days a week
• Tuesday Women's Bible study
• Zumba and other exercising at the YMCA
• Receiving voice lessons from a world-renown opera singer
• Fiddler on the Roof rehearsals (performances in April)
• Reading lots of books
• Baking and cooking
• DIY crafts
• Singing in the Colorado Springs Chorale
• Singing and Volunteering at church whenever I can

I thank the Lord for the opportunities he has provided me with during this season. If it wasn't cold outside, it would be summer for me. A summer in the winter. Being without a job is not the best feeling right now, but God has good things planned for me at home and in my community. I keep praying and hoping for a good future and a good teaching job, but I am enjoying my life right now.

Josh has been heavily working on finishing his first project for CEI. We would really appreciate prayers for his system to work so he can install and test it at the client's building. Thank you for your loving support and encouragement. We send our love from the land of the beautiful Rockies.

Soli Deo Gloria

The Joy of Singing

This past weekend, Josh and I sang in the Colorado Springs Chorale's "Deck the Hall" concert. We performed at the Pikes Peak Center in downtown Colorado Springs. It was such a good turnout and a wonderfully fun concert. A bell choir from a nearby city joined us as well; their performance was so amazing and interesting to watch. Someday, I think I might want to try being in a bell choir....maybe when I'm old and my voice is too warbly. Josh and I both had solos in the performance, which made it an extra special event for us.

On Saturday, we went to a small town called Cripple Creek to perform some selections from our concert at the Baptist church. Cripple Creek is an old mountain mining town, with a lot of old history...and a lot of casinos. Nevertheless, I found the little town charming. I found the little church we sang in even more charming. People from all over that mountainous area came to hear us, and they packed that little church to the brim. The concert was free, and donations were being taken for a local charity in need. Singing in that church was one of the most joyous things I have done in a long time. The people were closing their eyes, laughing, singing along, and joining in our musical celebration of Christmas. They were a warm a hospitable people, and so many people came up to me afterwards to thank us for singing. I was filled with joy and satisfaction that I had made these people happy with singing.

It has been a long, dusty road since moving to Colorado. I have never questioned my abilities and my faith more than I have in these recent months. But something about singing in that church with all of those people gave me hope. I felt truly joyful to be here. I felt at peace about moving here with Josh. Singing for the glory of God and the true meaning of Christmas was a true joy. I thought, "If this was all I did to celebrate Christmas, I would be content." I would be content to know that I had given all of my voice to Jesus to celebrate his birth with these humble people. "They sound like angels from heaven," was one comment made by an audience member. The angels sang the of Jesus' birth that very first Christmas, and we are still doing it today. Praise the Lord for his faithfulness in our lives. I know he is being faithful to me this Christmas. He gave me what I needed--HOPE. Hope that Josh and I are in the right place. No matter how hard some days feel, I have hope that God has a good future for us here. I just need to be patient enough to let it happen.

Soli Deo Gloria!

Christmas is Here!

On Friday, Josh and I did some Christmas baking in our apartment. We also made a pizza that looked like a snowman and watched "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." We are celebrating Christmas in full swing and having a great time. Christmas makes us both giddy and happy. But we absolutely can't wait to celebrate Christ's birth and great gift with our families in a few weeks.

Josh and I also spent a night in downtown Denver. We booked a hotel for one night that had a package to get discount VIP tickets to the Van Gogh gallery at the Denver Art Museum. After we visited to art gallery, we were walking around town and noticed a lot of people gathering along the streets. We had no idea that Saturday night was the night for Denver's Parade of Lights. After a nice dinner out, we joined the masses to watch the parade of lights and floats go down Denver's downtown streets.

The next day we slept in and went to a nearby cafe for brunch. Then we went to the Buell Theatre to watch "White Christmas" the musical. The tickets to the show were a wedding gift from Josh's sister, Joy, and her husband, Philip. It was a wonderful show and ended up being one of the best weekends we've had since we moved to Colorado. I will share some pictures of our fun weekend.

MERRY CHRISTMAS and GOD BLESS YOU THIS SEASON!

 

Water Beds and Lemonade

            Waking up to the rays of the sun beaming bright against the Rockies. Finally having our apartment pulled together and decorated in a homey fashion. Getting to know wonderful people at church. Having many opportunities to explore the city and surrounding area. Teaching in a classroom where I feel comfortable. Being part of a professional choir with my husband. Experiencing God’s peace in life…

…these are all of the things I am thankful for since moving to Colorado Springs.

I feel like I’m walking on a water bed sometimes…I keep looking down at my feet hoping the next step won't send me flying off the bed. I keep hoping my next decision, choice, or hope will land me on something more solid. Sometimes it's fun walking on the water bed, and sometimes I just start feeling sick to my stomach from the instability. 

Moving away from home still has had its challenges. Josh and I are feeling more and more comfortable every day we live here. It doesn't take away the fact that I still love and want to know my family back in Idaho and get to know Josh’s family better. Thank goodness for technology. If I had tried to do this 100 years ago with no Skype or cell phone, I would have quit a long time ago. Thank you, Lord, for useful technology!

Last week, we celebrated Thankgiving with family friends in high prairie and mountains of Fairplay, CO. Josh’s sister, Joy, and brother-in-law, Philip, were there as well. It was gorgeous up there, and so relaxing. Being up at 10,000 feet altitude was also an adventure. I had the worst headache of my life. Next time I will make sure to drink lots of water, even if I’m not thirsty. Now only a few weeks until it will be Christmas break. We will be taking a whirlwind trip to both Minnesota and Idaho during our break. I am SO excited to see my family again. It has been WAY too long.

Student teaching has had many ins and outs as I get to know the profession better. The dynamics of administration, teacher, and students really help make up the character and reputation of the school. I still feel like a novice when in comes to logistics in the teaching world. Teaching the content is becoming more and more easy every day, but I often feel overwhelmed with all of the office and administration work required of the teacher. I am getting used to some of that, but I have a feeling my first year of teaching will be a crash course in boring paperwork.

Every week is a bit tiring for both Josh and I. By Friday all we want to do is relax. We usually borrow a movie from the library or Redbox and have pizza. Oh, how I love those moments of peace and relaxation. Every day seems like a battle to defeat the negative thoughts that Satan likes to wiggle into my brain. Something may go wrong, but I’m learning to take it as, “Wow…another piece of life fitting into the puzzle.” I have also learned through this that I have a choice as to how I respond to problems or hard times. I can either let it ruin my day, or I can turn the lemons into lemonade (I might get a little more creative and add some strawberries to it and make it strawberry lemonade). The point being, God has given me the tools, faith, and grace to make it through each day, no matter how hard. Thankfully I have my best friend by my side every day to help me through those tougher than tough moments—love you, Josh! Thanks for being patient with me in these first few months of marriage!  It will be 4 months this week!

This is how you know...

I know I have the most loving, caring, and selfless husband in the world. Monday night (or very early Tuesday morning) I began throwing up everything I had eaten for dinner. I had food poisoning, and it was wreaking havoc on my body for about 3 hours straight. Josh stayed awake with me and held back my hair while I continued to empty my stomach into the trash can. He then cleaned everything up after I was done. No girl ever actually dreams of this happening, but she does wonder when she gets married...how will he act when I am sick? I wasn't too worried, but this just confirmed how blessed I am to have Josh as my husband. I am now very confident that we will be able to love each other in sickness and in health. Not only this, but Josh proceeded to get sick after me. He never threw up, but we both stayed home from work yesterday because we both were feeling gross and completely exhausted.

So ladies, if your man is willing to stand by you in your most disgusting and weakest moment, you know he is a true winner. This is how you know you are blessed with a loving husband who is a man after God's own heart.

Walking on Nubs

Last night Josh and I were talking about our new life in Colorado Springs. I said that some days I feel like I have had my legs chopped off below my knees, and I am walking on nubs around Colorado Springs. I am still searching for purpose, relationships, and connection. Josh and I both had a good laugh especially when I concluded, "And my nubs hurt! Some days I feel like I am getting nowhere."

So the picture of me walking on just my knee nubs was pretty comical, but I know deep down that that is how I feel sometimes. The reason I still have the rest of my body is because Josh has filled me to the core with his love, perseverance, patience, and understanding. The fact that I am walking on nubs has nothing to do with him. Some days I feel frustrated that God would put me in a new place when he knows that I need people. But my mother-in-law recently enlightened me that maybe God is trying to pull me closer to Him and teach me what it means to really trust Him. Maybe He doesn't want me to be around as many people right now. I have always relied on a bunch of people to be around me to give me purpose, hope, love, and community, but maybe God doesn't want that for me right now. Patient endurance is my key phrase right now. I am so privileged to know so many people who have learned patient endurance in the Lord. I am inspired by their trust, and I pray that I will learn that too and not be stuck in a rut.

As for the future, I get to spend this weekend with my in-laws and next week back at Dordt College. I hope to get some good relational and social time in the near future. To God be all the glory.