Walking on Nubs

Last night Josh and I were talking about our new life in Colorado Springs. I said that some days I feel like I have had my legs chopped off below my knees, and I am walking on nubs around Colorado Springs. I am still searching for purpose, relationships, and connection. Josh and I both had a good laugh especially when I concluded, "And my nubs hurt! Some days I feel like I am getting nowhere."

So the picture of me walking on just my knee nubs was pretty comical, but I know deep down that that is how I feel sometimes. The reason I still have the rest of my body is because Josh has filled me to the core with his love, perseverance, patience, and understanding. The fact that I am walking on nubs has nothing to do with him. Some days I feel frustrated that God would put me in a new place when he knows that I need people. But my mother-in-law recently enlightened me that maybe God is trying to pull me closer to Him and teach me what it means to really trust Him. Maybe He doesn't want me to be around as many people right now. I have always relied on a bunch of people to be around me to give me purpose, hope, love, and community, but maybe God doesn't want that for me right now. Patient endurance is my key phrase right now. I am so privileged to know so many people who have learned patient endurance in the Lord. I am inspired by their trust, and I pray that I will learn that too and not be stuck in a rut.

As for the future, I get to spend this weekend with my in-laws and next week back at Dordt College. I hope to get some good relational and social time in the near future. To God be all the glory.

He Said

Summer was a whirlwind! I can't believe all that has happened in the last month. I got married, went on a honeymoon, moved to a new city AND state, flew to Minnesota for our reception, and started a student teaching job. Right now, I am sick at home, missing my home and my family. Being married to Josh has been wonderful, and I wouldn't trade it for anything else in the world. But I didn't realize until now how hard so many changes can be. Some days I am so busy, I don't even have time to think about it. Days like today, where I am home alone, I think about it a lot.

It has been hard adjusting to a new city, a new apartment, new bed, new set of responsibilities, new climate and altitude, and a new husband. Sometime I wonder how I can ever deal with all of this. I know the only One keeping me afloat right now is God. I COULD NOT do this without him. Things also come up unexpectedly, like a family tragedy. The night Josh and I came back from Minnesota, I got a heartbreaking call from my dad. My sister-in-law's sister, Anne, died fighting wildfires in northern Idaho. A tree fell on her and killed her instantly. I had only met Anne once, at my brother and sister-in-law's wedding, but I was really upset. My sister-in-law had already lost her father several years ago from complications of sledding injury. I was heartbroken for her family and weeped for them. With so much going on around me, and so much stress coming with moving and student teaching, the bad news was the tip of the iceberg.

Several weeks later, I know things are getting better. Josh and I have had some fun and wonderful moments where we can laugh and enjoy each others company. Other moments, I don't know how to feel. I miss my family and friends. I miss familiar surroundings. I miss the comforts of being around familiar people. I miss Idaho's beauty, even though Colorado Springs is beautiful as well. I feel alone in a very big place, and I have never dealt with homesickness before. I am getting used to living here, and the other day, I thought to myself, "This could be home." That is a big step for me, to even think that.

God has been the one to see me through all of this, and I know he is using this time to draw me closer to Him and to make me stronger in my faith. Some day I wonder, "Why am I here God? This doesn't exactly feel good right now!" I know God brought Josh and I here for a reason. I know our marriage will be stronger because we have to lean on one another so much. We have to rely on one another for enduring love and support when we have no one else around us to cheer us on. I thank God for giving me such a wonderful, understanding, and caring man such as Josh. I would not have been able to move to such a new place if it wasn't for his strength and support.

There has been a song that has been keeping me going through the summer. It is called "He Said" by Group 1 Crew. It talks about humans having to go through hard times, but always remembering that God will never give us more than we can handle. He will remain by our side. He will lift us up when we fall down. I have held onto that promise these last few weeks, and I will not forget it. Listen.

The Wedding Day Approaches

It's only 9 days until I marry an amazing man of God, Joshua Pearson. Months ago, this day felt so far away, and I felt safe from the pressures of the wedding and an upcoming marriage. I feel as prepared as I can be to become Josh's wife. I know we both have a lot to learn and much that God wants to show us in our special bond.

I am a bit nervous to take this big step, especially since we are moving to a new state away from family and friends. I feel a bit overwhelmed by wedding day preparations and all of the events coming up in the next week. But I know that this where God has led me since March of 2010 when Josh and I met. He has led us to this point, and I am excited to begin this new journey with the man that I love so dearly. Amidst all of the changes, I feel less and less in control of my life...but this is a good thing. I feel like I am taking a leap of faith by letting myself become completely vulnerable to someone. But God has me on a rope, securely fastened to Him. He will not let me fall in His grand plan for me. He will not let me go as I begin this new step in life. I know that by taking this leap of faith, I am allowing God to use Josh to mold me and shape me into a better Christian, a better friend, a better wife, and eventually, a better mother. Josh is following God's lead as well. His confidence in God's plan for our lives is so encouraging and reassuring. My main goal in life is to follow God's direction for my life, no matter where it takes me.

Next week, when I say my vows to Josh, I know I will be making one of the best decisions of my life, and I will be following God's great plan for my life. He has given me hope and a future in marrying Josh, and I can't wait until we get to start it officially next week. Praise the Lord for his faithfulness, and for bringing me here 2 and half years after meeting Josh. Praise him for his guidance in all of our lives. Praise him for his goodness. Praise him for his everlasting love. God, I will praise thee on the wedding day and all the days of my life.

Up in Smoke

Today, I am watching my new home be filled with smoke from afar. The Colorado Springs area is being filled with smoke from a nearby fire that is burning over 5 square miles and over 3,000 acres. Even though I don't officially lived there yet, and have only ever been in the area for about 5 days, my heart goes out to the city and the victims of the fire.

I, and many others, are praying for the 600 firefighters and 70 pilots who are fighting fires across the state of Colorado. I don't want my new state to burn!

Dear Father,

As the weather gets hotter today and the winds continue, please bring your hand down upon Colorado. Help the firefighters to keep up their endurance and strength as they fight to contain these fires. Blow the smoke out of the valley so people can breathe. Save the many homes that may be consumed by the fire. Lord, please bring your powerful and mighty hand down to stop these fires from burning anymore ground. Please bring rain that can help stop the fires from continuing in their destructive path. Keep all the people affected safe from harm. God, we trust in you and give you all of the glory. Thank you Father. Amen.

Please keep praying about these fires. Josh can see the smoke billowing behind the hills as he goes to work. He also went to a church this past Sunday that was taking in evacuees. He said he's doing his best to keep the smoke smell out of our apartment. The whole state of Colorado is in a red flag warning, and we need to pray for God's wisdom and strength. To God be all the glory forever.

Giving Up Control

Dear Reader:

In the past few weeks I have learned a valuable principle of God’s truth. This truth is preached in churches across the world several times each Sunday, and a thousand times a year. This truth is the principle of God’s sovereignty and control. It’s a truth Christians will hear an almost annoying amount of times from the pulpit throughout their lifetime. I have heard more sermons on the subject of worry and God’s control than any other subject. For someone like me, who struggles with chronic worry and anxiety, I hang onto every word of those sermons. I keep hoping that the next one will really change me around and get rid of my die-hard habit. Much to my dismay, this usually isn’t the case. Most often, I feel lifted up and victorious for a time—maybe a week or two at best—but the worry always comes back.

The time when I feel God’s hand working the most is when I make mistakes. It usually means going through some pain and being humbled, but I think God knows that this is how I learn best. These past few weeks have been very humbling as I am in the limbo stage of my transitioning life. Change especially brings on a good bout of worry in my mind. With a wedding and a new marriage, a move to a different state, and starting new jobs--worry and anxiety can be rampant in my mind and spiritual life.

Every person is different; we all have different reasons why we worry. I worry because I foolishly believe that it gives me some kind of control of my life. Why wouldn’t I want to have control over my life? Why wouldn’t I want to live in a bubble of safety, comfortableness, and familiarity? This is the American dream! The American dream is to be financially secure, have a safe house with my own backyard, live in a safe neighborhood in a safe city, and have a safe career. The American dream means striving for social, financial, and vocational security. Everything about American culture tells us to think about ourselves and be in control. We can keep ourselves safe from aging by getting Bot-ox and buying millions of body products. We can keep ourselves safe from rejection and social ridicule by putting on airs. We can keep ourselves safe in our jobs by rising to the top without any care for others. We can keep ourselves safe from pain in relationships by never opening up, never committing to marriage, and keeping ourselves at a distance from our loved ones. We can keep ourselves safe from God’s will by never engaging in relationship with him (this is the most painful and dangerous one). Sometimes we don’t always want to know where God is going to take us…

We are selfish, and we don’t want to give ourselves completely up to Him. I am guilty of this, but God is breaking me. I know that God has my best interest in mind, but do I truly believe it? This is the question I am facing now in this time of limbo and major transition. It’s a tough question, and God isn’t going to let me go until I believe the truth that I know in my heart. He wants all of the control, not just some of the control in my life. Like I am being vulnerable and invisible with you, dear reader, God wants the same thing. He wants complete abandon and vulnerability. I challenge you to ask yourself the same question I am. It’s worth the risk, and I’m always up for an adventure. And with God, I know it will be the adventure of a lifetime. 

Divinely Designed Work

This week was Josh's first week in the real work force. He started a new job as Associate Engineer at a small electrical engineering company only a few miles from our apartment. So far he is really enjoying it as he gets to know the ropes of the company, the computer programs, and his co-workers. I had the pleasure of meeting some of them last week when Josh and I dropped by for a quick visit. His boss and several of the engineers that we met were very kind and excited for Josh to be joining them. One thing that caught my immediate attention was that they have bowls of candy EVERYWHERE. There were bowls of Reese's, bowls of Almond Joys, bowls of hard candies, bowls of Skittles...you name it! I was thinking, "Wow! They must really keep these engineers energized and motivated with sugar!" They also have two pantries/kitchens that are stocked with food. I am very relieved to know that Josh will not starve while he is at work!

I have been hard at work this week as well. Of course...I am spending money rather than making it while I work. This week has been busy with wedding planning. Monday, I finished the last of the invitations and went shopping for the bridesmaid shoes. Tuesday, I met with the rental coordinator for our tables and linens, as well as did some wine tasting with my parents at Ste. Chapelle Winery where Josh and I are getting married. Wednesday was my first dress fitting. Thursday I met with the florist, and I finally took a break today. The wedding is my job right now, and I was reminded of that by my student teaching coordinator at Dordt as well.

I still do not have a set placement for my student teaching in the fall. One school is set for the first half of the semester, as long as we can find something for the second half. When I am not thinking about the wedding, I am thinking about it and maybe worrying about it too much. I want to help find a school, but it is difficult when I am so far away. When I asked my coordinator if I could be of any help, she simply told me to be patient and to focus on the wedding. I agreed with her, but sometimes those words can be hard to swallow when you are a person of initiative. 

I know God has a plan for me in the fall as well. In this period of waiting for a student teaching placement, as well as waiting to be with Josh (doing the whole long-distance thing can be very tough), God is teaching me to rely completely and unreservedly on Him. He is showing me the patience that can only come from Him. Even though I am not working a real paying job, planning for a wedding and a marriage are just as noble and important. Josh is "bringing home the bacon" and preparing for our future as God created him to do. I couldn't be more proud of him and his new job! And I am still playing an important part as I prepare for our new life with a wonderful wedding. Like Rosie the Riveter would say, "We Can Do It!"

Our New Home

Last week, Josh, his parents (Connie and Ralph), and I made the trip out to Colorado Springs to find an apartment and move in Josh's stuff and some of my stuff. After a 2 hour flight for me, and a 14 hour drive for them, we made it to the Springs.

When we arrived last Wednesday morning we thought that our first selection was going to be our new home, but after seeing the second apartment complex, we were completely surprised by our decision. Our new apartment complex is perfect for the two of us and is literally minutes away from EVERYTHING. I could walk to the nearest Walmart if I wanted to. Our new 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment is dainty in size, but will serve well as our first home together.

Here is living room and kitchen area. Much of the furniture you see was found within a day of signing the lease. We were lucky in our finds and yard sale, thrift store, and consignment shops. We had a frenzy trying to find stuff in one day, but it was well worth it.

Our guest bathroom

Master bedroom

Master bathroom (smaller than the guest bathroom- you lucky guests!)

Kitchen (with wonderful new appliances) and laundry room in the back closet

Living room with fireplace and porch (love it!!!)

And our new dining room table!

In these pictures, there is stuff everywhere because we were still unpacking. Josh is living there right now, so there isn't much to look at yet. He is baching (bacheloring) it for a while-- until JULY 28! I can't wait to decorate, find picture for the walls, and have everything set up in the right place.

One of the things Josh and I have prepared for is being a little lonely when we move to Colorado Springs without any connections. I know we will both miss our families terribly, and it will take some time to adjust. But after seeing this apartment, I know that it will be a cozy place to call home and find peace and serenity. Right now, it is in the good hands of Josh as we await my move in at the beginning of August. We are praying for a smooth transition into our new home. Your prayers are very much appreciated too!